he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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