I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
