I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
