so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize