Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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