the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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