Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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