standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
