she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
