he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize