My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
