real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize