if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
