you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
