I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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