i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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