I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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