oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
