I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it hurts more in the daytime
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
