You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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