And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
