I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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