So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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