The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize