When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
