took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
