Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
