There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
