apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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