Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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