i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
