my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
