I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
