is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
