the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
