I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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