Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I pour the whiskey from now on
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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