If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
