You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
