Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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