How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
