Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
