Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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