im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
