You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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