This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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