i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
