You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm having to shit out rocks
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