You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
