the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
