i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
whose ass print is on the piano?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize