I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
