I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
