i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
