I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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