you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
