mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
