11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
