just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
