I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
