Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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