so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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