NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
