Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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