first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Drunk is a universal language darling
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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