this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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