He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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