Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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