Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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