just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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