Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
